


It's A Wonderful Lifestream

by Qu_Marsh



Series: A Final Fantasy Christmas [2]
Category: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII, Xenogears
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-12-01
Updated: 1999-12-01
Packaged: 2017-12-17 17:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/870194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qu_Marsh/pseuds/Qu_Marsh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmastime at Balamb Garden, but all Squall can think is "Bah Humbug." Can the Sorceress of Kristmas Future teach him the true meaning of Christmas in time to make everyone's holiday wishes come true?</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's A Wonderful Lifestream

Irvine crouched beside the quad door, which he had adorned with a fresh sprig of mistletoe. The cold winter air blew directly in his face, but it meant nothing to him. Selphie was decorating Garden for Christmas, and she'd have to come out here eventually. His vigilance was eventually rewarded by the sound of light, almost dance-like footsteps. 

"Score," Irvine said under his breath. "Here she comes." 

The footsteps drew closer until they came from just inside the open doorway. Irvine stood and sprung through the door, arms spread wide. His vision was immediately blocked by something pink and furry, which flew through the air at him with alarming velocity and drew him into a long, passionate kiss. 

"Chu-Chu's maidenly pure heart is only for chu!" 

  
**SEXY DWARVE STUDIOS presents  
**  
In association with JENOVA PICTURES  
A FRITZ FRAUNDORF fanfic  
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFESTREAM  


Selphie dragged several lengthy strings of Christmas lights through the central hall of Balamb Garden. Behind her, Garden student Yuffie Kisaragi stumbled along with a stepladder. The two members of the Garden Festival Committee were in search of their missing third friend. "Gawd, I wonder where Chu-Chu could have gone," Yuffie said aloud. 

Squall strolled by in the opposite direction. "Hi, Squallie ^_^," Selphie greeted him. "We're putting up Christmas lights. Want to help?" 

"Bah humbug," Squall muttered, and continued on his way. 

As Yuffie and Selphie approached the quad, they noticed some sort of commotion ahead. Closer inspection revealed a furry pink creature attempting to suffocate with kisses a prostrate human figure. "Mmmmmwah! Mmmmwah!" Chu-Chu said, smacking her lips with each exaggerated kiss. Irvine, meanwhile, was simply fighting to breathe. 

"Gawd, Chu-Chu, like, leave the poor guy alone," Yuffie said. 

Chu-Chu looked up, finally giving Irvine to take a deep breath. "Chu-Chu doesn't want chu put up Churistmas lights," she declared. "It's against my religion." 

"Oh, that's right," Yuffie said. "You have your own, like, Something God." 

"The Wondrous Mambo God!" Chu-Chu said. "He looks over all the Chu-Chu Tribe, yes he does." 

"So do you Chu-Chus have any of your own religious holidays? ^^;;" Selphie inquired. 

Chu-Chu shook her head. "Uh-uh! We were going chu have a subplot in which I tried to get chu back home in time for our 'Life Day' celebration, but even we wouldn't stoop chu doing something that stupid." 

"Yeah, you're going to burn in hell, you pagan witch," another high-pitched voice said. Everyone looked to see where it emanated from. It was a small black-and-white bipedal cat, speaking through a megaphone, who stood at the end of the hallway. 

"Oh, Gawd, it's Cait Sith," Yuffie said. 

Chu-Chu glared at Cait Sith and raised her fists into a fighting position. "Get your butt ready chu be kicked across the horizon, chu bad bad boy," she threatened. 

"Yeah, that wasn't very nice -_-," Selphie said to Cait. 

"You can't hurt me," Cait Sith declared, thumping his chest importantly. "I'm on a mission from God." 

"Yeah, right," Yuffie said. "All you do is, like, make fun of people all the time." 

"Oooh! Oooh! What's your mission ^_^?" Selphie asked eagerly. 

"It's a secret to everyone," Cait Sith said, trying to retain a stern and important expression. "By the way, do you guys have a library around here?" 

Selphie pointed down the hall. "Sure, it's down there; look for the sign outside ^^;!" 

"Thanks, Mushroom Head." Cait Sith scurried off in the direction Selphie she had just pointed. 

Chu-Chu snorted. "Well, I never!" she declared. "What a rude fellow!" 

"Don't worry, Chu-Chu, like, he's like that to everyone, ya know?" Yuffie said. 

Irvine tapped Chu-Chu on the shoulder. "By the way, would you mind getting off my chest?" 

*** * ***

On the other side of the continent, the Parade Committee -- which consisted soley of Edea and the Disciplinary Committee -- was busy preparing for the big Christmas Eve parade later that day in Balamb. Fujin had enlisted the aid of Pandemonium to inflate the balloons, leaving the Disciplinary Committee free to check over the floats and Edea to tune up her Witchmobile. 

"I hate giving awards to all these stupid floats from Mrs. Johnson's third-grade class at Hyne Elementary," Seifer complained. 

"Well, we gotta find something nice to say about 'em," Raijin said. "Don't want to damage anyone's self-esteem, ya know?" 

Fujin looked over at Pandemonium's progress. The Guardian Force was currently inflating a giant Sonic the Hedgehog balloon. "CAUTION." 

Raijin followed her one-eyed gaze. "Yeah, last year that one fell on Biggs and Wedge and killed 'em, ya know?" 

"Pan pandemonium pandemona." Pandemonium left Sonic just partially inflated and moved on to the herculean task of blowing up the Jumbo Cactuar balloon. Fujin and the rest of the Disciplinary Committee went back to bestowing awards. 

"UGLY," Fujin said of Rinoa's self-made entry: a model caboose. 

"Please, Matron, can we give this one the 'Ugly As Sin Award?'" Seifer begged. 

Edea looked over from atop her rectangular vehicle. "Now, children, you know you have to find something positive to say about all of these." She winked slyly. "I think this one is 'Most Improved.'" 

"Perfect," Seifer said, writing out the award and slapping on the front of the caboose. The three judges moved on to another saccharine float depicting a team of happy, smiling Tonberries mugging an equally happy, smiling old lady. 

"TRABIA." Fujin pointed to the descriptive plaque. 

"Ooh, from Trabia," Raijin repeated. "This float represents their spirit of survival and their noble desire to preserve their long-standing traditions in spite of all the destruction around them. I think it calls for the special 'Profiles in Courage' award." Seifer wrote out the reward and slapped it on the front of the vehicle. 

The next entry, from far-off Fascinaturu, was formed entirely of roses of various colors, all arranged together to form a fire-breathing dragon. It merited the You People Have Too Much Free Time On Your Hands Award. "Hey, I've got a cool idea," Raijin said. "We could set fire to all those roses in his fire breath during the parade, so that it'd actually be burn -OW!" 

As Fujin looked on with a smug smile, Raijin hopped around in circles, holding his left foot. He continued to hop until he bounced directly into an open manhole and disappeared from sight. The others heard a scream a few seconds later. 

"ALLIGATOR," Fujin predicted. 

"Oh, dear," Edea said. "Those mutant albino alligators always come out in droves on Christmas Eve. I hope he's okay." 

*** * ***

Zell idly thumbed through a random issue of Timber Maniacs in the Balamb Garden library, pretending to show interest in it. His true interest, however, lay with the pig-tailed girl who stood tidying the shelves not too far away from him. At least once a minute, he would look up and steal a glance at the girl, then go back to his reading. 

"Why don't you just go talk to her?" a squeaky voice below him asked. 

Zell jumped. Then, when he realized what the voice had just said, he blushed. "Shut up!" he hissed at the short cat. 

"Actually, I'm looking for the dictionary," Cait Sith proclaimed. "Is there one around here?" 

Unflustered, the pig-tailed girl pointed at a large tome open on the counter. "Over there," she said. 

Cait Sith scrambled to the counter, hopped up on a stool, and started paging towards the end of the dictionary. A puzzled expression crossed his face as he thumbed back and forth between "wash" and "waste." "Dude, there's a page missing here," he complained. "That sucks." Cait Sith hopped down off the stool and scurried out of the room. "Well, thanks anyway," he called. 

Zell watched him go. "I wonder what that was all about," he said, still blushing. 

The pig-tailed girl looked down at the magazine in Zell's hands. "Triple Crown? You're into horse racing?" 

Zell looked at the magazine's contents for the first time. "Oh, whoops," he said. "I thought this was about Triple Triad. Silly me." 

"The Triple Triad magazines are over on that shelf," the girl said, pointing. "By the way, if you're into Triple Triad..." 

"Yeah?" 

"...you wouldn't happen to have a Gilgamesh card, would you? It's the only one I need to complete my collection." 

Zell hung his head. "Sorry, nope," he said. 

"Oh," the girl said. "Well, thanks anyway." She went back to straightening up the shelves. 

Zell punched the air as he wandered out of the library. "Damn! If only I had that Gilgamesh card, she'd be forever in my debt!" he said. "I could trade it to her for a date! But where am I gonna find a Gilgamesh card?" 

*** * ***

Watts and Zone pushed their way through the holiday crowds at the Balamb train station. The latter member of the pair carried a blue kennel; the former held both suitcases. Rinoa waved to them from the crowd in which she stood with Selphie. The latter paid no attention to the new arrivals; her attention was focused entirely on the passing trains. 

"So glad you could come," Rinoa said as her former Timber Owl comrades approached. 

"Good to see you again, Princess," Zone said. "We still need to liberate Timber sometime, you know." 

"Yeah, we've been suffering under a harsh authoritarian military regime, while you've been here in Balamb thinking you've won the game." 

"We have a sidekick now, though," Zone said, holding up the pet kennel. He tipped the door ajar and a monkey hopped out and onto the ground. "Rinoa, this is Mr. Monkey. Mr. Monkey, this is our friend Rinoa." 

Mr. Monkey eyed Rinoa. "Damn, how many times did your parents hit you with the ugly stick?" he said. "You are ugly with a capital U-G-L-Y. And you're fat and stupid, too. You know what? YOU SUCK!" 

"I don't like this monkey," Rinoa said. 

"The feelings are mutual, you hopeless loser," Mr. Monkey said. 

Watts shrugged. "You just need to get to know him." 

Another train rolled by and Selphie clapped excitedly. "Oooh, I hope this is Sir Laguna's train ^^;!" she giggled. 

"Geez, Laguna Loire is coming too?" Zone said. "Who _don't_ you guys have coming?" 

Selphie nodded. "He's going to be the guest of honor at our Christmas parade!" she said. "And I get to drive him home from the airport! I'm soooo excited ^_^!" 

"Your monkey just peed on my shoe," Rinoa announced. 

Mr. Monkey looked up. "Wanna make something of it?" 

Rinoa recoiled. "Ewww, it's all wet and icky! Help! Squall, save me!" 

Watts shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, Princess. We caught him in the forest; he isn't housebroken yet." 

Zone knelt down with the kennel. "Okay, Mr. Monkey, I think it's time you got back in the cage, or out comes Mr. Socom again." 

Rinoa looked down at her soaked left shoe. "I think I'll be heading back to Balamb Garden now," she said, hobbling off and wrinkling her nose in disgust. 

*** * ***

Quistis, Xu, and Nida had just settled in for their ritual yearly viewing of Aerith Gainsborough's classic film _It's A Wonderful Lifestream_ when Zell burst into the room. "Hey, anyone know where Squall is?" he asked. 

"Knowing him, he's probably wandering the halls looking for people to play Triple Triad against," Quistis said. 

Zell snapped his fingers. "Perfect, thanks," he said. 

Xu looked over her shoulder. "Want a candy cane?" 

"Sure," Zell said, and Xu tossed him one. Zell caught it, then wandered out into the main hallway. As predicted, Squall was pacing the circular hallway alone. Zell hurried after him and caught up with Squall near the library. "Squall!" 

Squall stopped and looked back at him, but said nothing. 

"Squall, man, you've got to help me!" Zell said. "I need to get a present for the pig-tailed girl at the library!" 

"...whatever." Squall shrugged and started on his way again. 

Zell hurried after him. "Squall, wait!" he said, stopping his comrade by grabbing his shoulder. "I found out she's a big Triple Triad fan. She only needs one more card -- Gilgamesh. You've got to help me, man... where can I get it?" 

Squall scratched his head. "I don't remember," he conceded. 

Zell punched him in the shoulder. "Dammit, Squall! If you stopped using G.F.s so much, you wouldn't have that problem!" He hung his head. "I've only got 12 hours left to find that card in time for Christmas." 

Squall suddenly turned and raced off down the hallway with nary a word of explanation. 

"Oh boy!" Zell exclaimed. "It must be a Quick Time Event!" 

Zell charged after the fleeing Squall. Blind to any obstacles around him, Zell sprinted down the circular hallway -- at least until a huge left-pointing arrow blinked in the air in front of him. He quickly dodged to the left around a passing Garden student and continued his pursuit. Several yards ahead of him, Squall bumped into a bowl of candy canes sitting on the railing, causing the candy to fall all over the ground. Alerted by a blinking "A button" sign, Zell hurdled the pile of candy canes and hit the ground running. 

"Wow, this is just like a Surge commercial, except not quite as exciting," Zell commented. 

Squall ducked into the training center. Following the guidance of another flashing arrow, Zell followed him. During the holiday season, there were no monsters in the training center; instead, an elaborate diorama of Santa's Workshop occupied the entire cavern. Squall and Zell ran by animatronic elves chained to their chairs and slaving away at imaginary toys and athletic footwear. 

A blinking B button appeared before Zell. Reacting to it, he pointed to one of the elves. "Look!" he shouted. "It's a SEXY ELVE." 

Squall stopped and looked in the direction Zell had pointed. Guided by a blinking "A" button, Zell dived across the walkway and tackled Squall. The two rolled on the ice for a little while before they eventually skidded to a stop. Zell quickly hopped back to his feet, leaving Squall kneeling on the ground. "Wow! Did you see that, man?" he exclaimed. "That was the future of interactive entertainment!" 

"I must have missed the 'interactive' part," Squall said as he stood up. "By the way, the singular form of 'elves' is 'elf.'" 

"I know, but I thought it would get your attention if I spelled it wrong," Zell said. "Now, you've got to tell me, where can I find Gilgamesh?" 

"I forget," Squall said. "I don't have the best memory, okay?" 

"Squall, man..." Zell began. He looked around for the appropriate prop and ended up popping the head off of one of the wooden elves in the display. "Squall, this is your brain. And this..." Zell held up the head in one hand and dealt a mighty punch with the other. The head shattered into pieces. "...is your brain on G.F. Any questions?" 

"How about 'Why should I care?'" Squall retorted. 

"C'mon, Squall, where's your Christmas spirit? Where did you get that card? _Think_ , man, think!" 

Squall shrugged. "Bah humbug," he said. 

Zell punched the air with his fists. "Squall, _I need that card_. I'll leave you alone if you just tell me how you got it; I promise." 

"...Card Club," Squall said quietly. 

"Card Club," Zell repeated. "Okay, now we're getting somewhere. How do I join Card Club?" 

Squall shook his head. "I can't tell you," he said firmly. "The first rule of Card Club is you don't talk about Card Club. I'm going to a concert with Rinoa now; bye." He turned and wandered off again. 

"You _suck_ , Squall." 

*** * ***

Seifer grinned triumphantly as he stared at the set of tapes he had just purchased. An evil glint shone in his eye. "Think Yourself Worthless." What a perfect gift for Chicken-Wuss. He stuffed the set of the tapes in the pocket of his trenchcoat, squeezing the present between Quistis's _Choosing the Personality That's Right For You: A Buyer's Guide_ and Cid's pocket protector. 

As he stepped out of the store, he encountered that ninja girl ringing a bell and waving a leather sack in his face. Seifer casually dropped a few lead coins in the sack, then wandered off in search of a hardware store -- he'd just remembered that he needed to buy some coal for her. 

Yuffie had also been reminded of something -- she needed to hurry back to Garden if she wanted to catch her band practice with Chu-Chu and Selphie. She rolled up her bag of shadily-acquired "donations" and hurreid off on the road Garden. There would always be more time to prey on gullible people later. 

*** * ***

Selphie cruised the Balamb Garden parking lot in her minivan. "Oh, I'm so sorry I can't find a parking space, Sir Laguna ;_;," she wailed. 

Laguna nonchalantly pointed out the open window. "There's one right there," he said. 

"That's a handicapped spot, you retard," Kiros said from the back seat. 

"Um..." Laguna scratched his head. "...well, Ward is handicapped, isn't he?" 

Everyone reflexively turned to look at the mute minister. "..." 

"I say, you gents needn't look at him like that, you know," Ward's "Talking Mouth" dog commented glibly from the seat beside Ward. "Just find a bloody parking space; it's about tea time!" 

Selphie suddenly remembered her band practice and looked at her watch. "Oh shoot  >_<!" she exclaimed. "I have to be at band practice in 5 minutes! Gotta go, sorry ~_~!" Selphie opened the driver's side door and hopped out running. She was halfway across the parking lot before anyone even made move to stop her. 

*** * ***

This time there would be no mistakes. Irvine's vantage point from inside the guard booth at the Balamb Garden gate gave him a perfect view of everyone passing into the complex. When Selphie returned from town, he'd be in the perfect position to leap out of hiding and sweep her off her feet, all under the mistletoe he'd planted above the gatehouse. 

Irvine tensed for action as he spotted Selphie hurrying up the steps. As the young SeeD raced by, Irvine sprung from his hiding spot. Selphie whizzed right by him, not even noticing his appearance, and Irvine collided with the next person heading up the steps. Both tumbled to the ground. 

"What the hell?" Kiros shouted as Irvine tried to kiss him. "Get off me, you freak!" He pushed Irvine away. 

Irvine took one look at Kiros, panicked, and fled up the steps. 

Kiros stood and dusted his clothes off. "I wasn't expecting _that_ warm of a welcome," he commented to Laguna and Ward. 

*** * ***

In the newly-built basement concert hall -- once NORG's hideaway -- Balamb Garden's student choir finished its rendition of "Silent Night" and launched into "We Three Kings." 

Rinoa leaned over to whisper in Squall's ear. "Isn't this concert just lovely? I'm so glad we came." 

"Bah humbug." 

The choir was silenced halfway through "We Three Kings" by a loud guitar riff from the floor above. The guitar riff soon developed into a full-length cover of "No Cuttin' Corners." The choir stopped singing, then began to mill about, leaving their Wee Sing For Christmas books on the stage. An angry murmur ran through the crowd. 

"What is all that racket?" Rinoa wondered. "Someone's playing a bunch of loud music; I don't like it. Save me, Squall!" 

Squall stood up. "Let's go take a look," he said. He made his way out the back of the concert hall and to the elevator back to the first floor. Rinoa, who wasn't wearing any shoes, stumbled along behind him. Squall quickly visualized the Garden in his head and realized that the concert hall was right underneath the dorm. Figured. 

The pair met Laguna's cadre at the entrance to the dorms. "Where's all that music coming from?" Squall tried to shout over the racket. Laguna gave him a questioning look, indicating that he hadn't understood. Squall slowly mouthed the words again. Laguna responded with an exaggerated shrug. He had no idea either. 

Covering their ears as best they could, the five -- plus one dog -- ventured into the dangerous war zone of the dorm halls. Quistis, also wandering the halls, joined the group shortly. She pointed in the direction of Chu-Chu and Yuffie's room. Sure enough, a quick peek inside the room revealed the source of the racket. 

The Garden Festival Committee had turned Yuffie and Chu-Chu's dorm room into a cramped music studio. Yuffie and Selphie were both playing guitars; behind them, Chu-Chu sat stationed a drum set bearing the band's insignia: "SELPHIE AND THE SPOILERS." The pink critter played the drums with one hand and thumbed through a "Fei X Citan" yaoi manga with the other. 

Selphie took one hand off her bass guitar for just long enough to wave to the crowd in the doorway, then went back to singing. 

_Golbez is Cecil's brother_  
 _The Queen is Magus's mother_  
 _Citan's just a spy, Galuf's gonna die_  
 _Faris ain't no guy, Garden gets to fly_

_Spoooiiii-oi-oilers!_  
 _Gotta tell the Internet_  
 _That Shinra is running Cait_  
 _Nah, we don't think it's lame_  
 _The king's fake in ev'ry game_  
 _Spoooiiii-oi-oilers!_

_Cloud's story's in his head_  
 _Poor Aerith ends up dead_  
 _Fei turns into Id, Edea married Cid_  
 _Red is just a kid, Master is Liquid_

Squall made futile gestures to try to get Selphie to stop playing. 

_Spoooiiii-oi-oilers!_  
 _Gotta tell the Internet_  
 _That Edgar rigged his bet_  
 _Nah, we don't think it's lame_  
 _The king's fake in ev'ry game_  
 _Spoooiiii-oi-oilers!_

_Hammer ends up turning bad_  
 _Laguna, well, he's Squa-_

The cacophony ended as Ward yanked the amplifiers' power cord from the socket. Kiros nodded his approval. "Well done, you saved my eardrums," he whispered to his friend. 

"Not to mention a scandal worse than Lunargate and several billion gil in seventeen years of bloody child support payments," Ward's Talking Mouth dog added. 

Quistis folded her arms. "You're just born troublemakers, aren't you?" she said to the Garden Festival Committee. "Do you realize what kind of a racket you've been causing? Not to mention how games you spoiled..." 

Chu-Chu hung her head. "Sorry, Instructchur Trepe." 

"Like, this was, like, a traditional song from, like, Chu-Chu's Wondrous Mambo religion," Yuffie said, inventing rapidly. 

"No, it's n-" Chu-Chu began, before Selphie clamped a hand over her mouth. 

"Yeah, and we were just, like, helping Chu-Chu celebrate her, like, religious holidays," Yuffie continued. 

There was a brief silence, and then Quistis spoke again, "That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard in my life." 

"'Scuse me, pardon me," Cait Sith repeated as he meandered through the legs of the spectators. He forced his way into Chu-Chu's room, where he held his guitar up for display. "Dude, why didn't you guys tell me you were having a jam session? I could have come and played too." He reached to plug his guitar, but Ward moved between Cait and the outlet. 

"Uh, that's, like, why we _didn't_ tell you," Yuffie said. "Or, like, something." 

Squall stared at Cait Sith. "Don't I remember you from somewhere?" He scratched his head. "I don't remember." 

"After we apprehended Rufus Shinra and right-sized his head," Laguna explained helpfully. "Cait Sith and his independent prosecutor friend were trying to arrest him too." 

"Oh, right," Squall said. 

Cait Sith was trying out a few practice riffs on his guitar. "That's me," he nodded after Laguna's description. "We should form a club of people Rufus hates or something. Hey, you want my autograph? They're specially-marked down today; only 800 gil! I'm cuttin' me own throat." 

"...whatever," Squall replied. 

The crowd at the door grew even bigger when Mayor Dobe and his wife Flo arrived. "Excuse me," Dobe said. "We received some reports about a minority religious group being oppressed here." 

Squall stared at him. "...whatever." 

"You must be mistaken," Quistis calmly answered Dobe. "All that happened here was a noisy band practice." 

"Don't lie to me," Dobe said. "We heard it was a religious ceremony. Haven't you ever heard of separation of the church and state? You must remove all references to Christmas from this building at once." 

"You ultra-conservative, neo-Nazi money-grubbing corporates fascists can't hide from the voice of freedom!" Flo added. "We have a petition with twenty random people demanding an end to world hunger and the release of all your politicial prisoners!" 

"FHers," Kiros muttered. "Laguna, did you bring your machine gun?" 

Dobe pointed directly at Kiros. Though he knew the mayor was at least physically harmless, Kiros was still somewhat taken aback. "Violence is not the answer," Dobe seethed. "You can strike me down, but my cause will live on, stronger than ever. And I must say, you're beginning to remind me of Adolf Hitler." 

"Make love, not war!" Flo chanted. 

"These people are shouting and protesting!" Rinoa exclaimed. "They might sue Garden! Save me, Squall!" 

Meanwhile, with Ward's attention diverted, Cait Sith plugged in his guitar and started to play. "Blue, blue, blue, green!" he chanted in his grating singing voice. The cat ran through a series of painfully out-of-tune chord progressions, all while jumping around the room and banging his feet on the ground. 

Dobe and Flo watched the noisy spectacle. The color slowly drained out of their faces. "This is, like, our religious ceremony," Yuffie quickly explained. 

"Yeah, we're trying to summon our god, Yusuzukicoatl," Cait Sith explained. "Blue, blue, blue, red!" 

Dobe and Flo departed without a word. 

Laguna nodded towards Cait Sith. "Well done, Cait Sith," he said. 

"Thanks," Cait Sith. "Do you want my autograph _now_?" He paused to think for a moment, then amended, "Actually, what I could really use is a dictionary. I'm on a mission from God." 

"Didn't you check the library like I said ~_^?" Selphie asked. 

Cait Sith looked up at her. "Yeah, but it was missing the page I needed." 

"You could try the federal book depository in town, I suppose," Quistis suggested. 

"Oooh, good idea," Cait Sith said. "Thanks." As the cat bounced out of the room, he was met by a monkey headed in the opposite direction. 

"Excuse me," the monkey said. "Were you the one who just playing that song with all the colors?" 

Cait Sith bowed flamboyantly. "That's me, Cait Sith. I'm cute, lovable, and marketable. Want my autograph? 800 gil a pop." 

"I just have one thing to say to you." The monkey stood up on its hind legs and leaned right into Cait Sith's face. "YOU.... SUUUUUUCK!!!!!" 

Hurt, Cait Sith stared at Mr. Monkey. "Yo' mama drives a school bus," he retorted eventually, and stormed off in a huff. 

Laguna stared at Mr. Monkey in horror. "No," he said. "It can't be. Not Bonzo." 

"So, we meet again," Mr. Monkey said. "You're still looking hale and hearty, Mr. Loire." 

"I'm a coffee achiever." 

Bonzo padded into the room and sat down on the carpet. The rest of the gang watched him in silence. "I starred with you in 18 movies," Bonzo began slowly. "And in all that time, there was one thing I wanted to say to you that I never got a chance to. Do you want to know what it is?" 

"Not really," Laguna said. "If it's okay with you." 

"Well, I'm going to say something to you," Mr. Monkey said. He again stood up on his hind legs and locked eyes with Laguna's. "And this is what I'm going to say: YOU.... SUUUUUUCCCCK!" With that, he turned and walked out of the room. 

The crowd was left in a numb silence that was ended only when Nida spoke over the Garden PA system. "Will the owner of a '95 Plymouth Voyager please move the vehicle; it's parked in a handicapped parking spot without a permit." 

*** * ***

Zell wandered the halls of Balamb Garden, his hands in his pockets. He was vaguely aware of some sort of commotion in the dorm, but he was too despondent too care. His chance to give the pig-tailed girl the perfect gift was rapidly slipping away, and it was all Squall's fault. Squall knew how to join Card Club, how to find Gilgamesh, and he wouldn't tell him for no frickin' reason. 

He checked his watch. "Damn, and I probably missed all the hot dogs, too," he said. But it was Christmas Eve; maybe people would have been too busy doing other things and there'd still be some left. 

Zell hurried to the cafeteria. As soon as he set foot inside, the cafeteria lady recognized him and automatically answered his unspoken request. "We're all out. No hot dogs for you!" Zell's face fell, and he punched the air in frustration. 

"But, we _do_ have our special Christmas fruitcake," the cafeteria lady said. "Would you like a slice?" 

"Sure," Zell said. 

Zell knew something was wrong when the cafeteria lady reached under the counter and produced a fruitcake and a bow saw. His theory was furthered when she climbed up on a stool for better leverage and started sawing off a piece of fruitcake. 

"Never mind, I don't want one," Zell said. 

"I already cut it for you," the cafeteria lady said, holding out the freshly-mined piece of fruitcake. "You can't just let good food go to waste." 

"Ah, what the heck." Zell grabbed the piece of fruitcake and took a big bite out of it. Or, at least, he _tried_ to take a big bite out of it. His teeth met with something harder than many rare earth elements, and waves of pain reverberated through his entire jaw. Zell dropped the fruitcake on the ground and hopped about, clutching his face. "I think I broke something," he mumbled. 

Zell dropped the piece of the fruitcake on the ground -- it smashed one of the floor tiles in two upon impact -- and ran for the infirmary. It felt like someone had just hit his jaw with a sledgehammer. 

Zell bounded into the infirmary and pointed urgently at his jaw. He attempted to communicate the nature of his problem to Dr. Kadowaki via a few incoherent mumblings, but it seemed she already understood. "Oh, dear, don't tell me you tried eating that fruitcake too." 

Zell nodded. 

The doctor sighed. "All right, sit down in that chair over there," she instructed. Zell obeyed. "Open wide," Kadowaki said, bending over Zell with a pair of pliers and some tongue depressors. She forced Zell's mouth open and pressed in the tongue depressor. 

"What are you doing?" Zell tried to mumble while keeping the tongue depressor in place. 

Kadowaki peered into Zell's mouth and tapped a few of his teeth with a hammer. "Looks like it's just bruised," she said. "I'm going to give you some Novocaine." She stuck a needle briefly into Zell's cheek, then released it. "And now I'm going to see how many Oreos I can fit in your mouth." She nodded towards two people standing in the corner. "The Guinness Book of World Records is here; I'm shooting for the record." 

Zell tried to protest, but the Novocaine was already starting to take effect and his mouth was too numb. 

Ominous music started to play, heralding the entrance of Seifer and Fujin a few beats later. Raijin lagged behind them, on crutches due to the alligator bites all over his left leg. "Hey, Chicken-Wuss," Seifer said. "We're investigating some reports of vandalism in the Santa's Workshop exhibit. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?" 

Zell was suddenly very glad that he was unable to speak. 

*** * ***

Selphie waved goodbye to Chu-Chu and Yuffie as they left Balamb Garden for winter break. "Bye!" she called. "See you in January ^____^! Don't forget about my present ^^;;;!" 

The leaders of the parade -- Edea, Cid, and Laguna -- also were headed for the snow-covered Balamb town, albeit only to set up for the parade at 11:00. Bundled up in a winter coat and ski cap, Cait Sith ran ahead of the group, anxious to get to the book depository and complete his research. 

The odd quintet, save Chu-Chu, broke into an impromptu carol. "Oh, here we come a-wassailing, among the leaves so green. Oh, here we come a-wassailing..." 

Cait Sith flew back up the hill. "What does it mean? You're singing that song! _What does it mean_?" he shrieked. He jumped up onto Cid's shoulder and tugged on the Headmaster's vest. "Give me the frequency! Give it to me!" 

He was met by five very confused glares. "Um, never mind," he said sheepishly. He relinquished his grip on Cid and tore back down the hillside. 

"What an old fellow," Cid observed, pushing his glasses back up his nose. 

*** * ***

"Mistletoe... check," Irvine said under his breath as he watched the rest of the gang troop back from seeing off Yuffie and Chu-Chu. "Hiding place... check. Clear view of Selphie... check. Selphie not running... check." 

From behind a pillar, he watched Selphie lead the group towards him. She was obviously unaware of the mistletoe perched atop the archway -- but he'd soon change that. Irvine jumped out from behind the pillar and right into Selphie's arms. 

Up until then, everything was going to plan. What Irvine hadn't accounted for, however, was the large crowd behind Selphie. As Selphie stumbled backwards from her sudden collision with Irvine, she bumped into Quistis, who was unable to stop walking forward. A massive chain reacion ensued as each member of the party fell backwards into someone else. Those unfortunate enough to be standing near the railing were knocked overboards and into the moat in the center. 

"Er... domino effect... check," Irvine said lamely. 

Kiros stared at Irvine and quickly identified him as the one who had assaulted him earlier. He looked away, shaking his head. "I don't even want to know." 

A sopping wet Mr. Monkey hopped out of the fountain and shook himself dry, splashing water over everyone who had managed to remain dry. "I'd like to have a few words with whoever did that," he announced. "Here are the words: YOU SUCK!" 

Irvine was extraordinarily embarrassed. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. It was the only thing he could think of to say. 

Selphie smiled. "Well, I guess we can all gather around the fire to dry off ^^;;;," she suggested. 

"...whatever," Squall said. "I'm going to bed." 

"What?" Rinoa was shocked. "Don't you want to stick around for the parade?" 

"Yeah, you know how much time Edea spent preparing for it," Quistis added. 

"Bah humbug," Squall said. "I'm tired." He trudged off in the direction of the dorms. 

Rinoa was a bit puzzled by Squall's sudden departure, but used it as a chance to show off her creation. "Look at what I made for Squall," she said excitedly, producing a gold-plated object that could, with some imagination, be deemed a train. "It's a handmade gift! See, it's a gold train that represents our love." 

"So, I guess that means you're going to be be breaking up soon," Watts said. 

Rinoa looked at him, not quite sure she'd heard him right. "What?" 

"Where's the train?" Raijin said. 

"That train SUCKS," Mr. Monkey declared. 

Rinoa started to cry. "Gawd, you people are so mean to me!" Her mouth hung open in a little "O" shape as she realized what she had just said. "Oh, no, now I'm starting to talk like Yuffie! Squall, save me!" 

*** * ***

Chu-Chu and Yuffie sat side-by-side on the train from Balamb to Deling City, where they would catch flights back to their respective homeworlds. Chu-Chu carried her heart-adorned purse on her lap; Yuffie had a wrapped present from Selphie. 

"I wonder what's, like, in here," Yuffie said, holding the wrapped box up to the light. 

"Now, you know Selphie said not chu open that until Churistmas," Chu-Chu chastised her friend. 

"Well, it's not like she's, like, watching me or anything," Yuffie said, peeling off a corner of the wrapping paper. She looked at the box she revealed. "Ooh, a new Camcorder tripod." 

"Selphie's going to be so disappointed in chu," Chu-Chu said. 

"Look, Chu-Chu, if you, like, had your _own_ present, you could, like, open it when you wanted." Yuffie opened the tripod box and peered inside. Her jaw dropped. "...coal!? Gawd, why does everyone always give me _coal_?" 

Chu-Chu looked down at her purse and the gift it contained. She frowned. "I guess chu don't want the present I got for chu, then," she said forlornly. 

"What?" Yuffie screeched. "You too? Gawd! Everyone is, like, soooo mean to me! I hate you!" She got up and stormed out of the car. 

Slamming doors behind her, Yuffie raged through several more cars before someone grabbed her arm and yanked her aside. "Yuffie!" her assailant exclaimed. "Boy, am I glad to see you!" 

"Rufus?" Yuffie stared at the Shinra President. At least _someone_ was glad to see her. "Like, what are _you_ doing here?" 

"I'm on a very important mission," Rufus said. "Step over here where no one can hear us and I'll explain it to you." 

*** * ***

Squall tossed and turned in his bed. Something was keeping him up, and he wondered if it was that cafeteria fruitcake he'd eaten. 

Lighting flashed and a ghostly figure materialized at the foot of his bed. "Santa Claus! You came!" Squall gasped. "Oh, wait, no... it's Edea." 

"I am the Witch of Christmas Past," Edea announced. 

"I don't care. I'm going back to sleep." 

"Nay," Edea said. "Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts so that you may discover the true meaning of Christmas." 

"...whatever." 

"Squall, do you remember our Christmases at the orphanage when you were little?" 

"No," Squall said honestly. "I forgot." 

"You've forced me to send you back on another tedious and long-winded flashback," Edea said. "Now close your eyes and imagine..." 

Before Squall knew it, he and Edea were standing as spectral bystanders to a Christmas many years in the past. Squall, Ellone, and the other children of the orphanage were gathered around a small Christmas tree, eagerly tearing open their presents. 

"Oh boy!" Irvine exclaimed. "The Wind-'n'-Walk X-ATM082!" 

"The 'Cabbage Patch Kids Let's Play Torture' playset!" Seifer said. 

Edea smiled. "Now, children, don't forget your prayers." 

Little Selfy obediently nodded and bowed her head. "Lord, on this glorious day of celebration, I would like to give thanks for the following POKÉMON® products: Pokémon® Small Bean Filled Plush Assortment #52 Meowth, Pokémon® Micro Forest Playset, Pokémon® Battle Figures 2-pack Assortment #74 Geodude, Pokémon® Poke Ball Blaster Assortment #113 Chansey. Amen." 

Squall's younger self paid no attention to any of the goings-on around him, as he focused all of his attention on sorting his Triple Triad cards into his new card binder. Whenever he found a card out of order, he'd have to yank all the cards out to make room for the out-of-place one. Even when everyone else was long gone, Squall remainded seated under the Christmas tree, playing with his Triple Triad cards. 

Seifer eventually returned, looking for someone to pick on. "What's the matter, punk?" he sneered. "Don't got any friends?" 

Young Squall started to cry. "Go away," he said. "I don't like you." 

"Your problem is that you don't have a G.F.," Seifer said. "All the cool kids have G.F.s, you know." 

"I don't want a G.F.," Squall said. "I read about all the bad things they do to your mind." 

"Come on, everyone else is doing G.F.," Seifer said. "You want to be cool, don't you? If you want to be my friend, you gotta use G.F." 

"I don't want to!" Squall wailed. 

Suddenly, a wind-up mechanical spider rolled between the pair. Wearing an oversized cowboy hat, Irvine chased after it, shooting plungers from a plunger gun and rapping. "Wicky-wicky-wa, wicky-wa, a-wicky-wa-wa, Wild Wild West." He waved briefly to Squall and Seifer, then resumed his pursuit. 

Seifer's hold on Squall's attention was broken. "...whatever," Squall said, and meandered off. 

"Smell ya later!" Seifer shouted after his rival. 

"You were always unhappy after Christmas," the ghostly Edea said to the equally phantasmal Squall. "You didn't have any friends to show all your new toys to, and nobody wanted to play Triple Triad with you anymore because you won all the time." 

"...whatever," the modern Squall said. "Why do you care?" 

"Squall, you don't understand the meaning of Christmas." 

"42?" Squall guessed. 

"That's why the Witch of Christmas Present and the Witch of Christmas Future will be visiting you," Edea said. 

"Like I care," Squall said, but he was suddenly just talking to the wall. In just a second, he had been transported back to his dorm room, and Edea had vanished. "...whatever." He rolled over and went back to sleep. 

*** * ***

From his vantage point atop a book depository in Balamb, Mayor Domino of Midgar aimed his sniper rifle at the procession below him. Edea's Witchmobile -- and its presidential passenger -- was still some distance off, but he could get in position for the killing shot now. So much for those SeeD losers' attempt to rewrite history. He might never regain his status at the true hero of Final Fantasy VII, but at least his subsequent exploits of defeating Ultimecia would be known. 

Behind him, Martine -- the former Headmaster of Galbadia Garden -- held a radio, waiting for the signal from Team B. At last, the device crackled, and Domino's assistant Hart spoke. "Agent Orange Wonderful to Agent Slickimecia. Come in, Agent Slickimecia." 

"This is Agent Slickimecia." 

"We've secured the gatehouse," Hart reported. "We can close the gate on Laguna at any time." 

"Good job," Martine said. "You can go on to the next stage now." 

There was silence, and then, "Is that a PaRappa reference? I hate PaRappa references." 

"Never mind," Martine said hastily. "Remain at your position. We'll take care of the rest. Don't worry, this is a foolproof plan." 

"What do you mean, 'this is a foolproof plan?'" Domino said from the edge of the roof. "This didn't work the last two times you tried it, either." 

Martine glared at him. "Look, just shut up and get ready to shoot." 

Domino shook his head and set the sniper rifle down. "I can't do it," he protested. 

"You can't do it? Don't wuss out on me now, Domino. Why the hell can't you shoot?" 

"Plot contrivance." 

Martine sighed. There was no time to waste, which left him with only one alternative. "All right. Get out of the way. I'll do it." 

*** * ***

Squall's eyes fluttered open. He rolled over and checked the clock. It was still only 10:45. 

Lighting flashed again and an apparition of Adel appeared in the room. "I am the Witch of Christmas Present," the witch said. "I am here to show you Christmas today." 

"Go away," Squall said, then quickly retracted his statement. "No wait... what gender are you? We have a pool going in Garden." 

"Come with me, Squall," Adel said. 

Squall found himself on a faraway world, in the middle of an icy forest. A quick look at his transparent hands revealed that, once again, he was viewing this spectacle as a phantom observer, accompanied by Adel. 

Three people stumbled through the forest. One, female, was the obvious leader; the two gangly twins who followed her were obviously mere underlings. "Where to now, boss?" 

"I don't know," the leader snapped. "You're the ones who wanted to go find 'Santa Claus,' you tell _me_ where to go." 

"Boss, I'm telling you Santa Claus is real!" one of the Scorpion Army underlings said. 

"Yeah!" his twin echoed. "We're gonna prove it to you!" 

"Ho ho ho," Squall said. 

The two henchmen looked about in shock. To them, Squall was completely invisible, and the voice had come from nowhere. "What was that?" one of them gasped. 

"It was Santa Claus!" the other shrieked. "I heard his voice! He knows we've been naughty!" 

The henchmen started crying and flung themselves at the boss for safety. "Santa's gonna kill us!" 

"I didn't think anybody knew that I took candy from a Moogle!" 

The other henchman looked at his comrade. "That's 'cause Santa can see everything," he said. "He knows when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He is the State." 

The boss shoved her underlings away. "Santa doesn't kill people, you idiots," she said. "You know why? Because Santa doesn't exist!" 

A jolly old man in a red fur coat stepped into the clearing. "Ho ho ho!" he said. "What's going on here? Did someone say I don't exist?" 

"Oh no!" one of the henchmen screamed. "It's Santa! He's gonna kill you for not believing in him, boss!" 

Santa wiggled a finger. "Now, now, I'm not going to be killing anybody, even if you're as naughty as that Kisaragi girl," he said. "Why don't you all come down to my workshop and have some hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows? And you meet the elves, and get your picture taken with Rudolph, and purchase your own personalized presents at my gift shop, and go for a ride on my new roller coaster -- all at Six Flags Over the North Pole! Ho ho ho!" 

Squall stared at Adel. "This is ridiculous. Santa Claus doesn't exist; it was just Matron who left all the presents." 

"Now, you're starting to talk just like their boss," Adel said. "You saw Santa Claus with your own eyes; why are you denial?" 

"Bah humbug," Squall said. "I don't have to listen to this nonsense." 

"Fine," Adel said. "Then you'll just have to speak with the third ghost..." 

*** * ***

Using the keys Headmaster Cid had given him, Cait Sith unlocked the door of the federal book depository and stepped inside. Surely this place would have a dictionary that could define "wassailing" for him. 

Cait Sith started shuffling through the nearest boxes of books. They all appeared to be fiction, however. The reference books must be in another section. Cait Sith starting waded through the mass of books in search of some sign that a dictionary was near. He found none, but he did locate a ladder running up to a trapdoor in the ceiling. 

"Ooh, neat, a trapdoor," Cait said. "Trapdoors rule. Except for those annoying ones in that one cave in FF IV; those were a pain in the rear." 

As usual, Cait Sith's curiosity got the better of him, and he started climbing. 

*** * ***

Squall was hardly even surprised when he again woke to find a ghostly witch staring at him. 

"I am the Witch of Kristmas Future," Ultimecia proclaimed. "Kurse you Skwall. You have forgotten the meaning of Kristmas." 

"...whatever." 

"Do you know what you have kaused? Do you want to see the Kristmas of the future?" 

"No," Squall said. "This is stupid." 

"You will look upon it with your own eyes, Skwall," Ultimecia said. "Behold Balamb, cirka 2081." 

Were it not for Ultimecia's words, Squall could have sworn he was standing in Esthar. Balamb was now a gaudy pastel-city filled with flashing neon signs and crystalline skyscrapers. Even the Electronics Boutique he stood outside was now several stories tall, with every being window adorned by posters promoting the soon-to-be-released Dragon Quest VII. 

A shiny, futuristic-looking car pulled into the parking lot and Cid XXI hopped out. He produced a crumpled piece of paper from his vest pocket and unrolled it. A thin smile crossed his face. "Dear Mr. Suzuki," he read his daughter's handwriting. "I have been very good this year. This year for Suzukimas, I want a virtual kitty and some shiny new Egg Catcher prizes. Your friend, Sue Kramer." 

"What the hell?" Squall said. "Suzukimas?" 

"Yes, Skwall, there is no more Kristmas," Ultimecia explained. "Instead, the kids of the future celebrate Suzukimas, where Yu Suzuki komes down the chimney in his magik forklift and delivers toys to all the children of the twenty-first century. Eksept he often doesn't kome until sometime in the spring." 

"That's stupid," Squall said. 

"Yes, it's all bekause you refused to have any holiday cheer," Ultimecia said. "Now look what kind of havok I kan wrekk." 

The scene shifted again, and Squall and Ultimecia were inside a gingerbread house. A more substantial version of Ultimecia, accompanied by Deneb and Gruntilda, was hunched over a cauldron, making what appeared to be gingerbread men. A large machine stamped with a "Soylent Gingerbreadmen" sat in the corner. 

"Double, double, toil and trouble," the physical Ultimecia chanted. "Fire burn through Barney Rubble." 

"No, that's not it at all," Deneb said. "It's 'Fire burn and cauldron bubble.' I think." 

"Whatever," Ultimecia said. "Like they ekspect me to memorize frikkin' Shakespeare." 

Someone took a bite out of the door to the gingerbread house and two futuristic SeeDs step in. "Freeze, evildoer!" one of them shouted. 

The other SeeD scratched her head. "Why do you witches always in come in threes?" 

"It's an unwritten rule, that we learned in school," Gruntilda rhymed. 

"We're three, three, three witches in one!" Deneb added. 

Ultimecia pointed at the two SeeDs. "Mr. Pants! Make them bleed!" 

The three witches vanished and a floating black pair of pants appeared in their place. After a closer look, Squall realized that it was not just a pair of pants, but a two-dimensional white stick figure wearing three-dimensional pants. And they weren't just any pants, they were _his_ pants. 

Mr. Pants grabbed the two SeeDs and hurled them into the machine in the corner. The machine made a bunch of spluttering and chopping sounds, and then two giant gingerbread men fell out. 

Squall gasped. "Soylent Gingerbreadmen is PEOPLE!" he exclaimed. "What a plot twist! But is it permissible to kill a man and consume his flesh? Even if it's in a tasty, crunchy gingerbread form with a genuine home-baked flavor?" 

"Those are the most popular holiday treat of the future, Skwall," the ghostly Ultimecia said. "Is that the future you want?" 

Squall scratched his head. "What's up with that pants thing?" he said. "Why are my pants a G.F. in the future?" 

"Your own klothes have turned against you, Kristmas is ruined, my guitar strings are broken, and I don't get _any_ messages on my beeper. And it's all because of _you_!" Ultimecia snapped. "Kurse you for what you have done!" 

"Gee," Squall said. "I guess I really did mess up." 

"It is not too late to korrekt!" Ultimecia said. "You are klose to someone who needs help... Find this person...fast." She took off her ruby slippers and handed them to Squall. "Now... klap your heels together three times and repeat, 'There's no place like home.'" 

*** * ***

Martine watched the floats and balloons roll by in the moonlit streets. He idly noticed that they'd repaired that Sonic the Hedgehog balloon that he'd hit by mistake last year. This time he would make no mistakes. All those hours he'd put in playing Golgo-13 were about to pay off. 

The Witchmobile appeared in the distance. Martine gritted his teeth and lay down for a clear shot at his target. Behind him, Domino nervously paced the roof. 

Something creaked behind him. Martine involuntarily twitched in surprise, and his finger hit the trigger. The gun fired and, with uncanny accuracy, punctured a hole in the Sonic the Hedgehog balloon. The massive balloon imploded and fell on the ground, crushing two unfortunate bystanders under layers of undulating material. 

"Oh my God, Sonic killed Biggs and Wedge!" someone shrieked. 

Cait Sith surveyed the scene. "Oh, wow, it's a crime in progress!" he exclaimed. Cait produced a pair of handcuffs from his cloak. "I'm making a citizens' arrest!" 

"So you're in on this too, AVALANCHE?" Domino quickly backed away from the trapdoor and drew something from inside his suit. It was a fish. A fish with a stick of dynamite in its mouth. "Get back or I blow up the carp!" He stole a quick glance over his shoulder at his partner in crime. "Hurry up and shoot, you fool!" 

"He's not there!" Martine shouted back. Panic started to set in. "He's not on the Witchmobile! I don't know where he is!" 

"Time to take a bite out of crime!" Cait Sith said. He whirled his handcuffs about as if they were a weapon. 

"I said get back or I'll blow up the carp!" Domino repeated. 

A police siren sounded in the distance. "Dammit! How did they find out about this?" Domino said. "We've got to get out of here!" 

Martine and Domino took off down the fire escape. "Wait! I need to make a citizen's arrest!" Cait Sith shouted, hurrying after them. He chased the two would-be assassins down all three floors of the fire escape and to the curb. Domino and Martine quickly jumped in their getaway car. Domino turned the ignition, but nothing happened. 

"Dammit!" Domino said. "Why isn't this thing starting?" 

"Did you use Joe Chin's chains?" Martine asked. "NEVER USE JOE CHIN'S CHAINS FOR THEM NO!!!!" 

Cait Sith poked his head through the driver's side window. "You guys, I'm serious; I'm going to make a citizen's arrest." 

Martine and Domino jumped out the passenger door and fled on foot. In the darkness, however, they had difficulty had seeing where they going, and did not notice the open manhole until it was too late. 

"Oooh, this is prime-quality 'Midgar's Most Sadistic Home Videos' material," Cait Sith commented as he quickly got his camera rolling. Howling with pain, Martine and Domino leapt out of the manhole and fled the city with dozens of angry mutant albino alligators snapping at their heels. 

*** * ***

Squall jogged down the streets of Balamb, looking for Zell. Fortunately, the parade had just started, and he still had plenty of time to find him. As he was nearing the actual parade, however, he noticed some sort of commotion amongst the spectators. "...whatever," he muttered, pushing and elbowing his way through the crowds that had gathered around the fallen Sonic balloon. 

"SQUALL!" 

Squall looked up as Fujin and Raijin raced towards him. "What?" he snapped. "What's going on?" 

"PRESIDENT. NINJAS. KIDNAPPED. BAD ENOUGH DUDE?" 

"What?" Squall gasped. "They kidnapped Laguna? ...whate -" He remembered Ultimecia's words to him. "...All right, I'm on it." 

Raijin pointed towards an abandoned warehouse a few blocks away. "They're in there, ya know?" he said. "Better hurry." 

Squall nodded and ran off. 

*** * ***

Rufus kept his shotgun pointed at Laguna's head as he faced down Zell, Quistis, and Rinoa. Dark Nation II, one of the cubs of the original Dark Nation, sat hissing at his feet. Beside Rufus, Yuffie nervously held her boomerang at the ready. How she'd gotten talked into this operation, she wasn't sure, but she had to ensure that Rufus pulled it off successfully or she'd really be in trouble. 

Selphie ran inside the warehouse, having just been alerted into the situation. "Hey, let Sir Laguna go ^^;!" she exclaimed as she dodged around some of her fellow SeeDs. She gasped upon beholding the captors. "Yuffie!" she gasped. "What are you doing o_O?" 

Yuffie glowered. "Don't try to stop me," she said, recitining some lines she sort of remembered from some movie she'd watched. 

"Stay good, Yuffie!" Selphie pleaded. "Stay good ^__^!" 

While Rufus was momentarily distracted, Rinoa knelt down and fed Angelo a doggie biscuit. "Go!" she whispered. 

Angelo darted across the warehouse, bearing down on Rufus. Dark Nation II pounced on the dog, snarling. Before the panther could touch her, Angelo jumped upwards, a flaming front paw extended in an uppercut-like motion. She connected with the move and knocked Dark Nation II into the air. Angelo quickly jumped after him, kicked him with a rear paw, and launched into a complicated, 14-hit sequence of blows that eventually set Dark Nation II flying across the room in a daze. 

Rufus stared at the large dog. He certainly hadn't expected this to happen. "Uh... stay!" he said, waving his rifle at Angelo to try to shoo the canine away. "Sit!" 

Angelo, not exactly the smartest dog around, sat. 

"No, Angelo! Go get them!" Rinoa said. 

"Stay! Good dog!" 

Confused, Angelo rolled over and played dead. 

"Oh no!" Rinoa said. "Angelo isn't listening to me! Save me, Squall!" 

Squall burst through the door. "Don't worry, Rinoa! I'll protect you!" He raced towards Rufus, and only when he was halfway across the warehouse did he realize he'd left his Gunblade back in the room. Faced with a shotgun-wielding terrorist standing a few yards away from him, Squall reached for the only other weapon he had. 

Rufus stared at the fruitcake as it spiraled through the air at him. This was supposed to be a weapon? He brashly stood his ground. The fruitcake struck Rufus in the forehead with a painful-sounding crack and he instantly keeled over. Laguna stepped free. 

Yuffie raised her arms in surrender. "Like, I didn't do anything! Honest! Oh, Gawd!" 

"We saw you taking Laguna to this very building," Quistis countered. 

"Uh, I was just, like, doing what Rufus said to!" Yuffie said desperately. 

"Aw, geez, just let the girl go," Laguna said. "She didn't mean any harm." 

Selphie danced and pumped her fists into the air. "Yay for Sir Laguna ^_____^!" she cheered. 

"I can't believe you managed to get yourself captured by one untrained SeeD student," Mr. Monkey said. "YOU SUCK!" 

Squall approached Zell. "Zell, I've got an early present for you." Squall reached into his pocket and produced a Gilgamesh card, which he placed in Zell's hands. "Merry Christmas." 

"Mms!" Zell tried to speak without moving his numb mouth. "Umrr umrrym nd mm umrrr ooo ummmr!" He gave Squall a hearty slap on the back that sent Squall stumbling. 

Rufus was starting to come to. He rubbed the massive bruise on his forehead and sat up. Quistis pointed at the Shinra president. "What should we do with him?" she asked the other SeeDs. "He _did_ try to kidnap the President." 

"And if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your dog, I would have gotten away with it, too!" Rufus snapped. 

Holding something behind his back, Cait Sith forced his way through the crowd. "Rufus!" he said. "Funny meeting you here!" 

"Oh no, it's that mangy cat," Rufus groaned. He looked over at Quistis. "Please let this be enough to constitute my punishment. 

"I'll have you know I take great of my fur," Cait Sith indignantly. "Speaking of which, I have a present for you." He brought his hands forward to reveal his mysterious gift: several bottles of hair gel he had "liberated" from Balamb Garden. 

Rufus stared at the present. "All right, that's it, NOBODY makes fun of my hair." He stepped towards Cait Sith. 

Squall quickly moved between the two. "Hey, hey, it's the thought that counts." 

"Oh, of course. I'm touched," Rufus rolled his eyes. "Speaking of which, I have a card for you all." He handed a Christmas card to Laguna. It was a white card with a large picture of Junon and the Sister Ray. An arrow labeled "Wish you were here!" was pointing to the barrel of the Sister Ray. Below the picture, written in simple but elegant letters, was the single word "NOEL." 

"Sweet, that's a really cool looking cannon!" Laguna said. "Thanks!" 

Kiros slapped his forehead. Ward's Talking Mouth dog and Angelo sniffed each other. 

Cait Sith stood on his tiptoes to look at the card. "Hey, that's the same card you give out last year, and the year before that," he complained. "You cheapskate." 

Rufus grinned. "It's the thought that counts." 

Squall put a hand on Rufus's shoulder. "You've got the right idea. Remember what Christmas is really about, kids." 

"So, Squall, what _is_ Christmas really about?" 

"Well, Cait, it's... um..." Squall scratched his head. "I forgot." 


End file.
